A Glimpse of Me.

My New Journey

2009-08-03T22:06:00.002-04:00

in my life, the past year or so to be more exact, i have walked around the same mountain time and time again. and to be quite honest it has gotten old and it has taken a toll on my life and my emotions. the mountain itself would be the simple yet all to complicated relationship between my daughter and her father. now i know that most of you reading are about to throw in the towel and quit because william has now entered into the discussion..please dont. this is not about he and i reconnecting or anything like that. this is hopefully and prayerfully a new beginning for desirae and him. ok so back to the mountain..i need to better explain it. since i found out i was pregnant there has been a constant push and shove going on. i decide its ok for will to get close and to be involved BUT only if i can call the shots..which is wrong..so of course my expectations were always sky high snd he never met them so i shut down and pushed him out..and he backed off and left me and her alone. and the cycle would repeat..for one reason or another hed come back and i would start trying to run the show. well this mountain is rough and hard to walk so a couple months ago my heart was burdened their relationship wasnt up to me, only he or she could start or end it. and i realized that will wouldnt ever be her father if i atleast didnt step back enough to let him breathe. now im not so far back that i cant save my daughter if the need be. this is very hard. this walk around the mountain is soo different however it is nowhere near easy. my patience is being tried in so many ways and my emotions are on my sleeve more so than ever. i was not prepared for some of the things being thrown and me. satan is trying to shove me back into the old path around the mountain. however its not because of william in any way at all honestly. there are others involved that have never been on this mountain before and they are the ones standing in the way of all that should happen. its then that i step back and remember this is for desirae and that i have to stand strong in my faith and know that because God called me to do this and to let this relationship become amazing he will guide me through he will teach me to be patient and he will not let satan ruin this. ill be honest though this is very very hard. i have wanted to throw in the towel and go my old way. i have wanted to let my anger with others flair and a few time i have. i want this so badly for her and for the first time in a long time he is so willing and he wants this which is huge for him. i never prepared to have anyone but he or i in the way. i wasnt ready for satan to blind side me. my patience is thin and im trying my best to stand strong. i would so much appreciate prayer. pray that i am patient and that i dont let satan get under my skin that i remember who this is for and who laid it on my heart and that he wont let this go wrong if i focus on him. pray that because there are unforseen obstacles that will wont be defeated either that he to can stand strong and persue his dream of being daddy. and pray that above all God is glorified in this.

once again im gonna tell it all.

2009-05-30T21:34:00.002-04:00

right now im depressed. i feel like i live on the verge of tears.
but honestly i couldnt even give you a real solid reason why.
im mad. im upset. im lost. im confused. im over some things. but still stuck on others.
i want to scream i want to cry i want to punch kick and throw a tantrum i want to run and hide.
im always beating myself up for what others tell me isnt my fault but im not totally sure i agree.
i dont live my life with regrets but right now im so mad at some of the ridiculous choices i made.
im sure that this is making no sense at all. but ill continue anyways.
im absolutely madly in love with my daughter words cant even describe the love that i have for her. but being 100% honest i still feel like im robbing her of a 'normal' childhood. i mean seriously every little girl needs a daddy and well right now theres not one of those in sight. i mean i know shes doing great shes smart and cute and wonderful but still i pray that my mistakes dont make her life awful.
im a mess. i hate my job. i just quit even attempting college courses. i havent even made much effort towards getting into a community college. i second guess myself more times than i can count i over analyze pretty much everything.
i just want a break. i just want to escape and get away. to go somewhere and pretend for a day that i didnt make some pretty dumb choices that are still driving me up a wall. i want to get away and pretend that it doesnt all still get under my skin and irritate me to no end.
i wanna be happy. like truly deeply seriously happy.
and for now im done.
i got enough out to make it easy to breathe again.
and im pretty sure ill be back soon..

because i know they wont read this...

2009-05-11T09:49:00.002-04:00

lately i find myself a ball of somewhat hidden emotion. by somewhat i mean that im pretty sure someone close to me can pick up on them but just doesnt say anything. which is ok. but right now i need to get it all out again. this seems to be the only purpose for this blog but hey its mine right?? ok so here i go again.

i am angry. i am fed up. and i am tired of it all. im done not using names because as this is titled i know they wont read this. william and his family make me so mad. not a single one of them called or sent even an email or anything regarding desiraes birthday but they expect me to believe they care for her so much. her delinquent of a father just got out of jail and claimed he wanted to see her and i wouldnt let him because i didnt trust the changes made would stick. my instincts were right couple days later a buddy of his calls askin questions about where he is in FL sayin he stole their cash..once a cheater.liar.stealer..always a cheater.liar.stealer. im tired of them wanting to see pictures and saying how much they love her when they dont even attempt in any form or fashion to show that love. so im done making effort im done extending my hand done opening doors. its all up to them. at times i feel like i want to confront will and make sure its painfully obvious to him what he has given up..i want to yell and scream and beat the crap out of him..but that wont happen because its pointless itll just waste my time. but i still want to. i want him to look at her and i and see what could have been his what could have been being the key words there. i guess my biggest thing is not understanding how she can mean absolutely everything to me but she maybe crosses his mind a couple times an day and shes just a possession to him. i just do not understand it.

im ready to find "mr. right" im ready to find the man that wants to love her and i forever that wants to be called daddy and do all the things daddies do. i feel like shes missing out an so much because she doesnt have a daddy. most kids figure out the dada sound first or at least close to first- Desirae didnt say it til she was 11 months old..just becasue she never hears it. and now that she says it its just a random noise its not connected to anything. i dont want to rush God or rush into a relationship all on my own again. i just hate so much that Desirae isnt growing up with a mommy and daddy.

this is not the only thing thats bothering me lately but i dont think im gonna write about those.

samanthalee

One Year.

2009-04-18T20:53:00.003-04:00

so much happened in one year.
im not sure ill be able to put it all into words, but as always i will try.
a year ago today my daughter made her debut into this world.
and from the very moment i saw her my world was different. okay i know that may sound highly cliche but its the absolute honest truth. The moment the nurse plopped her purple little body on my chest and her tiny little foot went all but up my nose - i was different. not to say that i wasnt different the moment i knew of her existence because i was but the moment of her debut was life altering. the past year has been far from simple but i wouldnt trade it for the universe. watching her grow and learn is amazing. watching her bond with others, watching her charm her way into anything, watching her roll over for the first time then crawl and then walk, watching her teeth slowly and painfully come through watching her react to new foods and new environments - it was and still is completely priceless. now back to the whole im different thing. my thoughts and my actions and not to mention my choices all revolve around her well being. ive learned so much because of her. ive learned to be bold enough to stand and do what needs to be done regardless of if i like it or hate it. ive grown up in big ways. ive transformed from a teenager to a mother and i absolutely love it. and now for the big one, well its big to me - she is my saving grace. i find it funny thats her middle name..well actually its not funny i think it was all in Gods plan. see i let my life plumit to a low i would have never found the courage to crawl out of if it hadnt been for my little girl. she gave me reason to be strong reason i wouldnt have found in myself. her smile made everyday worth it. she made every hard decision easier. i will never be able to explain how astonishing it is to me that when i sinned against God he blessed me with an amazing healthy beautiful baby girl. shes truley the best thing that has EVER happened to me. (aside from God sending his only son to die for me.) this year has definately been a rollercoaster and i have discovered who my true friends are and i have to say thanks to all of you. the ones that were there in the beginning and stuck through it all, the ones who were silently watching and praying, the ones who came at differnt times through the year but love us just like they have been there from day one - you all have a special place in my heart. my daughter means the world to me and to have friends and family who love her and i makes life worth living, it makes everyday worth pushing through. again - thank you all.

happy birthday desirae grace.
mommy loves you baby girl!
i cant wait to see what this next year holds for us.

Ugh.

2009-03-10T22:12:00.002-04:00

at work today this man came in..just a normal customer..but he got me..bad..from the very moment he uttered one simple word. all the memories came flooding back.

he sounded just like drew.

i had to stop for a moment. had to ask him to repeat what he said i was so caught up in his voice the first time. his voice took me back to high school and the month a 2 weeks i dated drew.

honestly i dont get it. i dont know why losing drew gets to me so bad. we werent super close after we broke up.. we lived totally seperate lives and really in no way did our paths cross..well excpet for every morning he stood outside me first block class senior year talkin to his girl friend. i never spoke to him though.

i went to his grave the other day it helps to go and talk to him although it doesnt make sense of why i miss him like i do.

ok well i just needed to vent..

"the purpose of today is to have fun make memories and to not get hurt."

its what i do :)

2009-03-02T10:56:00.010-05:00

i feel the need to spill my guts..
again..
*just a note- the 'yous' in most of this post won't read this..*

it feels phenomenal to have 'cut ties' with you..but truthfully in the farthest part of my mind i often wonder if you'll ever come around - will you ever realize what YOU have given up..
then i remember its YOU who gave it all up and the thought floats away again only to resurface later and repeat it grueling process..

some days are way harder than others without you here..we didn't keep in touch after we broke up and i hate it. i miss you..i wish i had talked to you and stayed close..id give anything to hangout with you just one more time..to see that smile again..but that's not possible on this side of eternity..

this is hard to write..but its whats weighing on me the most.
you of all people i met through high school would not have been first on the list to pick me up when i was so far down i couldn't do it on my own. don't get me wrong you were always an amazing friend, i just never thought you would be the one to come to our rescue. but you did and you haven't left our side. your ready and waiting to run in and save us. what hits me the hardest is that i know without a doubt you would give your life for my daughter. i cant even wrap my mind around it sometimes. all i know is i absolutely love it. i wouldn't trade our amazing friendship for anything. and just in case its not blatantly obvious in every way possible - I'm falling for you.

from the very moment i knew you were alive inside of me i knew i loved you. but when the nurse plopped your purple little body on my chest and your foot was staring me in my face i knew what love was. i knew that from that moment on my life was different, that everything i did or would eventually do involved you in the hugest of ways. now that the day you were born is quickly approaching i don't know what to do with all the emotions inside of me. watching you grow and learn amazes me. i'm pretty much in awe of who you are. i couldn't be more proud to say you are mine and i cant even imagine life without you. i love you baby girl.

what would i do without the 3 of you?? i would fail. i wouldn't be nearly as strong as i am, i wouldn't be the amazing mom you tell me i am. even tho i may act like i've got it all together i don't. i need you 3 more than anything. and i don't thank any of you enough. i want you all to know i love you dearly and i couldn't have picked a better family.

when i feel like everything i have to say is stupid or when i just need to babble you're there and i appreciate that. after a year or more of being stuck in my ways i learned who my true friends are and you are one of them. i want so much to boost you up and love on you in the way you've loved on me. to give you that little extra confidence in yourself. you are amazing keep your head up and keep shining - i'm behind you 110%.

you are by far more ignorant than i ever thought. stuck in your ways while the world passes you by while EVERYTHING you ever wanted slips farther and farther away. i cant help but ask - are you happy now?

i'm done..
for today.

just gotta get this off my chest...

2009-02-10T21:07:00.009-05:00

for far too long i clung to a relationship that was..never meant to be. i thought that i could write this perfect love story when in reality i was writing a tragedy. a little birdie dropped by and whispered in my ear quite frequently to give up the pen..but being the stubborn girl i am i refused..i could make it all better..i could force things to work my way. well as most of you know..i was wrong.
i cant exactly pinpoint what it was that convinced me i was strong enough to stand on my own and give the pen back to its rightful owner..but i did..very reluctantly and quite honestly absolutely terrified. i was so sure that i was setting myself up for failure..that not one guy in the world would love me AND my daughter..that my package deal just wasn't gonna work. once again..i was wrong.
just when i least expected it someone absolutely amazing came strolling back into my life as if he had never been absent. truthfully it was a god send..i was terrified that not one guy would love my package deal - he does. no we aren't together..we aren't dating..but he loves us. i know without a doubt he would do anything for her and i and it flatters me more than anyone will truly understand..he makes me happy and he makes me smile. its been so long since the smile on my face was a true genuine smile and i must admit its liberating to smile and know that its because I'm so happy inside its flooding out my face!
the 'he' I'm referring to is my best friend..JJ..Justin..ive known him since my sophomore year of high school. hes amazing and wonderful and i love him to death. he will be a life long friend.
now i don't know where the next chapter of my love story is going but i know that the pen is safe and sound with its rightful owner once more and he has a story already planned that is bigger and better than i could ever imagine.

::samanthalee::

Growing Up

2009-02-09T16:16:00.002-05:00

gettin ready to go home from the hospital..

playing in the carseat at home February 2009...
she doesnt ride in this one anymore..

in the bouncy seat April 2008

playing in the bouncy seat before it got taken apart to store better..
February 2009

I love my little girl..but sometimes i wish i could freeze her right where she is...

lately..

2009-01-27T20:50:00.004-05:00

i smile soo much more.
i have spent more time with friends recently.
i honestly enjoy life more.
im takin life one day at a time.
im actually letting god take care of things..
ive discovered an amazing friend in someone i wouldnt have ever guessed to be this important to me.
im watching my little girl grow up in front of my very eyes.
she crawls like a pro..pulls up on anything she can reach..she sings and dances to anything resembling music..she take a few 'steps' if you hold her hands and guide her..ohh how the time is flying by.
i dont know what it is..but i like..well actually i love it.
and ive been told the happiness im feeling is plastered all over my face..
i couldnt deny this if i tried.

*samanthalee*

its been a while..

2009-01-09T10:35:00.002-05:00

i havent actually blogged in quite some time now.
life is great right now.
i have finally embraced the truth that had been staring me in the face for a while. its not easy but im managing its part of growing up i suppose. im letting go of the things i can not change and truly letting God handle them. and let me tell you its tough. i want to play miss fix it and i want to make things the way i see them in my dreams. in letting go of the things i cant change i have found myself again. im happy im excited about life. dont get me wrong i wasnt depressed before i just wasnt myself. i have regained some confidence and did i mention im happy and that im smiling more? i found an old friend and i guess reunited..hes amazing. he loves me and my daughter and doesnt care what being with us may make others think. not to mention hes a soldier who soon could be sent to iraq. he was home for two weeks and i spent a lot of time with him but now hes gone again training in maryland and honestly i miss him terribly.(and hes only been gone for 5 days). so what else is new..well im lookin at getting an apartment with a great friend allyson and her daughter aubree. im ready to take that step and let myself grow up a little more. at the same time im nervous its gonna be a lot to handle. and not to mention it puts me some distance from my current job..which is gonna make life interesting. okay so now on to the good stuff right?! Desirae is dangerously close to 9 months old..try 9 days away..okay so everyone told me time would fly but i wasnt expecting it to go this fast. shes crawling like a pro..pullin up in the crib and between last night and this morning shes discovered the the couch and table are cool to pull up on to. i must let you know that she has not figured out getting down from the couch or table yet..so she will let you know she needs help..(ie. she screams til you help her.) the crib on the other hand..she has that mastered. she babbles like crazy..she acts like she knows what she talkin about. its hilarious. ill try and get it on video and then ill try to figure out how to get the video of the video camera and on the computer then on the blog..so dont hold your breath just yet. she is a big girl..we havent been to the doctor since september so im not sure on a weight but im guessin atleast 20 pounds. im saddened to report that her hair is not yet long enough to do cute girly things with..OH YEAH her ears have been peirced since sometime in october forgive im not positive exactly when. she also has two teeth on the bottom..those appeared in november near the beginning of the month and she is now diligently workin on a top one. shes a great little girl i love her more and more every minute of everyday. she is a smarty pants already and she pretty much has mommy wrapped around her little fingers.
well for now im done i promise ill try harder to keep this updated more often!
xoxoxo
sami

A Soldier's Silent Night

2008-12-14T16:52:00.001-05:00

i heard this on the way home from church today. it brought me to tears. we all need to remember our troops this time of year. they DO fight for our freedom..some may not get to see their family because they are fighting for our country. so please take some time to remember them.

Time

2008-09-17T19:19:00.000-04:00

i want to spread my wings..
like a baby bird..
i feel ready to leave my nest..
there is no guarantee that ill fly..
i could fall fast and hard to the ground..
and im not blind to that..
but nevertheless i feel like its time.
time to give life a chance.

sorry.

2008-08-27T18:23:00.002-04:00

i feel like screaming.
everyone wants answers. they want to know why i feel like i do.
plain and simple i dont have a reason.
i dont know what to say.
this is my life to live. and its not an easy life. and thats by my own doing.
i dont blame anyone. but seriously no one really knows what im going through.
it drives me crazy that i get the sympathetic "i know how you feel"..really do you?
do you know what its like to be in love with someone everyone thinks you should just let go of? do you know what its like to be a single mother who works full time and attends college full time? do you know what its like to want so much more for your life and not know how to get it because no one thinks its best for you? i mean i love everyone whos trying so hard to help..but its hard. ive brought myself to a place no one im close to has ever been. i cant explain how i feel. and sometimes i really dont want to. im just trying to live my life the way that feels right.
so im sorry i cant answer all the questions. im sorry for not being just the way everyone wants me to be.
this is me. i feel how i feel. i dont have reasons.
im sorry.

WoW.

2008-08-15T15:38:00.002-04:00

so im slowly learning that god answers questions in mysterious ways.
this quote was in an email..an email id normally delete. today i thought hey why not read it. so i did and with my current situation..being stuck in the middle..this spoke volumes to me.

"the key to courage is to let go of the fear"

Stuck in the Middle.

2008-08-13T19:21:00.001-04:00

have you ever wanted something so bad. everything in you says go for it. but you are terrified to actually get what you want.

well that is where im at. my heart says yes. my brain says yes. but im scared. scared to fail. scared my instinct may be wrong. then i think about how ill never know if i dont try. i really really feel like im stuck in the middle. being pulled both ways.

do i follow my heart my head and my instinct or let my fear hold me back?

music gets me.

2008-07-29T19:52:00.002-04:00

Too Much

2008-07-25T09:41:00.002-04:00

this is where i am..
ever been here..

my brain is mush..
too much running through it
too many thoughts
too many emotions
my heart hurts.
i feel like at any moment
niagra falls could relocate to my face!

i always feel like im whining on my blog.
feel free to ignore it..

samanthalee

Thoughts

2008-07-13T20:00:00.004-04:00

so im really not so great at blogging regularly. but im to a point i need to vent some more.
My life is far from easy but i have this huge pull on my heart to not hide my experiences. to share what i have been through. its like i have x-ray goggles and i can see the things happening in others relationships. i see the little things that led me to a place i never wanted to be. at times i just want to stand on a mountain top and scream because i know they dont want to be where im at. i now truly believe that what satan intends for evil God will most definately use for great things.

another thought..i am an extremally hopeful girl. which at times is great but other times..not so much. im not sure how many know a great deal of my story..but lately..my hopes are sky high and i know they shouldnt be..its like i take a step forward and a few back. i guess its a hard habit to break. but sadly my hopes are high.

one more thing.. my daughter is amazing..i just adore the fact that when im a mess..and feel yucky and just dont want to move forward in anything..she loves me..i can look funny..smell bad..be grumpy.. and through it all her love never changes. its like the love of God. and she reminds me of that everyday. oh the lessons i learn from my 3 month old.

ok so im not done yet..i miss my daddy..hes out of town for work and its the first time hes ever done something like this. its very weird. not quite sure what to do without him around.

ok now im done..
samantha lee

2008-07-02T19:57:00.002-04:00

i love being a mother. my whole world, my entire reason to live is wrapped up in those 12 pounds. and i would not change that for the world.

just needed to get that one out there.

Sami

its hit me.

2008-06-28T21:07:00.003-04:00

and its hit me hard.
i have lied to myself.
ive made things ok in my mind.
and ive done it for far to long.
i have to face the facts.
this is who you are.
and its who you plan to stay.

Ever been here?

2008-06-26T08:12:00.003-04:00

has anyone ever been faced with making a decision or a choice that is the exact opposite of what you truly want to do, a choice that you know is right, but that doesnt really matter to you. its the hardest thing you have ever had to do. you struggle with it daily and quite often consider throwing in the towel. or perhaps in a place where everything reminds of the one thing you need to forget, every song, every object you see. maybe a state of mind where you rethink every decision. where you replay every word in your mind. where you hope and wish and pray for things to go back to what they were.

well that is where i am at. throwing in the towel has crossed my mind. i revisit those memories often. to return to the summer between my sophomore and junior year of highschool would be magical only if i didnt have to give up desirae.

i want every friend who has been encouraging lately to know that i love you all dearly you are all wonderful. i couldnt ask for better friends. but i ask that you bare with me. right now im at a place in life where i have to do the one thing i struggle most with and the one thing i never saw comming. your prayers and comments are definately welcome.

::samanthalee::

2008-06-17T15:36:00.003-04:00

I am overwhelmed.
I just graduated with honors and a baby.
Major accomplishment.
I want to tell my story.
I want it to affect people who are where I was.
I feel like I lost my best guy friend ever. What hurts most is he doesn’t even seem to care.
I cant believe how many people are hypocrites.
I want to cry so bad..but can’t.
I want to run to him and hug him.
But I cant even speak to him.
I feel like turning around and undoing all that ive done. Even though its what God wants
And its whats best period.
I feel distant and left out of things.
My little girl is growing so fast.
I never listened when people said she would.
I hate that he misses so much
I feel bad for things I cant control.
I want to change things I cant.
I wonder if things will ever be anything close to what they were.
It feels like every dream I had has been crushed.
All because of my actions

I cant believe she has so much control. it hurts. she makes him do such stupid things.
People talk about how they miss the person I was a year ago.
They want me to go back to that.
And I cant.
People assume I should regret the things I did.
I know they were wrong
but with out them I wouldn’t have the one thing that means the world to me.
My life is far from easy.
I complain about it a lot.
But I would not trade it for anything.

comments are very welcome. and anyone who wants to talk im very open. i need people to confide it right now.

Sami

Ready Set Spill Your Guts

2008-05-23T17:45:00.005-04:00

i wish i could just pour everything running thrugh my brain out..
without having to explain a thing..
this is my blog so technically i could..
however im not sure of the reaction ill get..
but i wont know unless i go for it..
so here i go...

i cant believe i graduate in less than a month
my little brother is startin high school next year(WhAt?!)
Desirae is already a month..where the time go
i dont wanna grow up..but i already have..
i dont want my friends to all go off to college and me stay here..
my heart hurts..i will be the only on of my close friends left in joco.."/
i cant believe shes a month and only seen her father once..
court is not a fun experience..but it makes you stronger.
i like the conclusion the lawyers came to. now she will know her dad..
even if we cant associate for a year.
i hate the baby weight i have left (i know im not fat..but its gross and flabby..YUCK!!)
once again...im getting ready to graduate..this day you anticipate from kindergarden is fastly approaching...its a scary thought..
im thankful some of my closest friend are still here and living.
my senior project is DONE!!
i have 5 more real days of highschool...of school period.
i hate spending ridiculous amounts of money on things..especially when you cant make it through the day without this item..
its very weird to be at home but have my daughter not be here..
i hope things are going well for their first visit together..
im very antsy..dont think i spelled that right.
i miss the way things used to be..but i know its working this way becasue God wants it to..but its hard to swallow.

I feel a lot better..some of the things i dumped out may make absolutely no sense if you want you can aske questions and i will elaborate. If you have a million things going on..this is very helpful... even if noone reads it its off my chest.

Love to all of you..

::samanthalee::

Emotions..

2008-05-18T16:05:00.007-04:00

ive wanted to update for some time now but really havent know exactly what to say. right now i have a lot of emotions going through me and its my nature to hold them in and await the moment i absolutley fall to pieces. i havent hit that point yet but some of the emotions have faded so i may not come to the water works this time. i really am amazed at how the past month of my life as seemingly just fallen into place. i feel so comfortable as a mom. but ive learned its not all sunshine and roses. there are hard times, times i feel as though i cant make it, that im incapable. and in my hear t i know that all that is untrue but satan grabs hold and i lose sight momentarily. i dont want to give details but today i truly for the first time in my life saw gods had move over a situation, and had small parts of my prayers answered and that truly wiped away some of my sad feelings. i dont want anyone to think that im super depressed..im not i just get emotional here and there but today is different, today is a happy day and my prayer is that things stay moving in the direction they are. i also want to let the people who pray for me know i couldnt appreciate it more.

precious kisses and mothers day dedication

Sami

Being a Mother

2008-04-28T12:49:00.004-04:00

so this may sound cliche but you never truly understand nor respect the love of your parents until you are a parent yourself. all through life i know my mom and dad loved me but since Desirae's arrival its been so more visible to me. Being a mother is the best feeling i have ever felt. to know that this little girl came from inside of me that God created her every little part of her inside of ME. to love something so much you dont know what to do with yourself, to hold someone so small in your arms and know that they rely on you for everything is just simply amazing. although i went about things in an unGodly manner God still blessed me. that is what amazes me most. not only does God love me but even when i disobey him i am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. there are parts of my life that still arent beautiful that still hurt at times. but this part is truly a blessing i wouldnt trade for the world.

in awe of how God works...

Sami

Ahhhh!

2008-03-26T13:43:00.002-04:00

so its spring break and i should be relaxing and having a great break from the regular..should be being the key phrase..i am having somewhat the opposite of times.
my mind is fried. theres 300 thousand things racing through it at any point in the day. some things being things i should just let go and not bother thinking about..others have reason to be racing through my mind.. and some are just random. its drinving me crazy though. i was hoping for a peaceful break but i keep letting myself and life interfere. i hold onto things i would be better off giving to god. but me being me i give it then take it right back. im frustrated with quite a lot.
i just need peace. and to be willing to accept the peace and not try and mess it up.

My Mommy

2008-03-10T12:14:00.009-04:00

if you are reading this blog I'm pretty much assuming you know my mom, if not you should get to know her she pretty amazing. No she hasn't done anything spectacular in life you can basically classify her as average ..which I am perfectly A-OKAY with..shes fabulous to me. I love just talking to her about life. She has so much to say and she would never give herself credit for being a good listener or person to talk to but she truly is. I can go to her with things and know I'm going to get a sincere response. I guess I never realized just how great our relationship was until I've been faced with my recent challenges of young motherhood and the drama I've gotten along with that. I can go to her bawling my eyes out feeling like I make no sense and she gets it. I thank God for the mother he gave me, I pray my daughter and I have the kind of relationship my mommy and I do.

School

2008-02-29T16:26:00.000-05:00

and the one class i have is driving me insane...my teacher basically doesn't teach, atleast not to level i learn on. He cannot stay on topic to save his life and i dont mean just a little off topic i mean like crazy off topic. For me this makes learning anything very hard. This class is the one class i need to graduate my last chance to get my GPA just a little bit higher and i sit lost for an hour and a half. He asks if we have questions but tells students they should already know that and wont answer. there is no possible way i could get a different teacher so im stuck. so i need so major help from God to even get through englsh.
frustrated with school but loving life...

Sami

A blog of my very own!

2008-02-25T06:59:00.000-05:00

i decided to join the word of blogging..as some of you may know my mom created the wee one blog that is about the baby but this blog will be more updated by myself and wont be 100% baby focused..but dont worry my madre will still update the wee one..=] as for right now i dont know what to post so until later...
Sami