My New Journey

in my life, the past year or so to be more exact, i have walked around the same mountain time and time again. and to be quite honest it has gotten old and it has taken a toll on my life and my emotions. the mountain itself would be the simple yet all to complicated relationship between my daughter and her father. now i know that most of you reading are about to throw in the towel and quit because william has now entered into the discussion..please dont. this is not about he and i reconnecting or anything like that. this is hopefully and prayerfully a new beginning for desirae and him. ok so back to the mountain..i need to better explain it. since i found out i was pregnant there has been a constant push and shove going on. i decide its ok for will to get close and to be involved BUT only if i can call the shots..which is wrong..so of course my expectations were always sky high snd he never met them so i shut down and pushed him out..and he backed off and left me and her alone. and the cycle would repeat..for one reason or another hed come back and i would start trying to run the show. well this mountain is rough and hard to walk so a couple months ago my heart was burdened their relationship wasnt up to me, only he or she could start or end it. and i realized that will wouldnt ever be her father if i atleast didnt step back enough to let him breathe. now im not so far back that i cant save my daughter if the need be. this is very hard. this walk around the mountain is soo different however it is nowhere near easy. my patience is being tried in so many ways and my emotions are on my sleeve more so than ever. i was not prepared for some of the things being thrown and me. satan is trying to shove me back into the old path around the mountain. however its not because of william in any way at all honestly. there are others involved that have never been on this mountain before and they are the ones standing in the way of all that should happen. its then that i step back and remember this is for desirae and that i have to stand strong in my faith and know that because God called me to do this and to let this relationship become amazing he will guide me through he will teach me to be patient and he will not let satan ruin this. ill be honest though this is very very hard. i have wanted to throw in the towel and go my old way. i have wanted to let my anger with others flair and a few time i have. i want this so badly for her and for the first time in a long time he is so willing and he wants this which is huge for him. i never prepared to have anyone but he or i in the way. i wasnt ready for satan to blind side me. my patience is thin and im trying my best to stand strong. i would so much appreciate prayer. pray that i am patient and that i dont let satan get under my skin that i remember who this is for and who laid it on my heart and that he wont let this go wrong if i focus on him. pray that because there are unforseen obstacles that will wont be defeated either that he to can stand strong and persue his dream of being daddy. and pray that above all God is glorified in this.

once again im gonna tell it all.

right now im depressed. i feel like i live on the verge of tears.
but honestly i couldnt even give you a real solid reason why.
im mad. im upset. im lost. im confused. im over some things. but still stuck on others.
i want to scream i want to cry i want to punch kick and throw a tantrum i want to run and hide.
im always beating myself up for what others tell me isnt my fault but im not totally sure i agree.
i dont live my life with regrets but right now im so mad at some of the ridiculous choices i made.
im sure that this is making no sense at all. but ill continue anyways.
im absolutely madly in love with my daughter words cant even describe the love that i have for her. but being 100% honest i still feel like im robbing her of a 'normal' childhood. i mean seriously every little girl needs a daddy and well right now theres not one of those in sight. i mean i know shes doing great shes smart and cute and wonderful but still i pray that my mistakes dont make her life awful.
im a mess. i hate my job. i just quit even attempting college courses. i havent even made much effort towards getting into a community college. i second guess myself more times than i can count i over analyze pretty much everything.
i just want a break. i just want to escape and get away. to go somewhere and pretend for a day that i didnt make some pretty dumb choices that are still driving me up a wall. i want to get away and pretend that it doesnt all still get under my skin and irritate me to no end.
i wanna be happy. like truly deeply seriously happy.
and for now im done.
i got enough out to make it easy to breathe again.
and im pretty sure ill be back soon..

because i know they wont read this...

lately i find myself a ball of somewhat hidden emotion. by somewhat i mean that im pretty sure someone close to me can pick up on them but just doesnt say anything. which is ok. but right now i need to get it all out again. this seems to be the only purpose for this blog but hey its mine right?? ok so here i go again.

i am angry. i am fed up. and i am tired of it all. im done not using names because as this is titled i know they wont read this. william and his family make me so mad. not a single one of them called or sent even an email or anything regarding desiraes birthday but they expect me to believe they care for her so much. her delinquent of a father just got out of jail and claimed he wanted to see her and i wouldnt let him because i didnt trust the changes made would stick. my instincts were right couple days later a buddy of his calls askin questions about where he is in FL sayin he stole their cash..once a cheater.liar.stealer..always a cheater.liar.stealer. im tired of them wanting to see pictures and saying how much they love her when they dont even attempt in any form or fashion to show that love. so im done making effort im done extending my hand done opening doors. its all up to them. at times i feel like i want to confront will and make sure its painfully obvious to him what he has given up..i want to yell and scream and beat the crap out of him..but that wont happen because its pointless itll just waste my time. but i still want to. i want him to look at her and i and see what could have been his what could have been being the key words there. i guess my biggest thing is not understanding how she can mean absolutely everything to me but she maybe crosses his mind a couple times an day and shes just a possession to him. i just do not understand it.

im ready to find "mr. right" im ready to find the man that wants to love her and i forever that wants to be called daddy and do all the things daddies do. i feel like shes missing out an so much because she doesnt have a daddy. most kids figure out the dada sound first or at least close to first- Desirae didnt say it til she was 11 months old..just becasue she never hears it. and now that she says it its just a random noise its not connected to anything. i dont want to rush God or rush into a relationship all on my own again. i just hate so much that Desirae isnt growing up with a mommy and daddy.

this is not the only thing thats bothering me lately but i dont think im gonna write about those.

samanthalee

One Year.

so much happened in one year.
im not sure ill be able to put it all into words, but as always i will try.
a year ago today my daughter made her debut into this world.
and from the very moment i saw her my world was different. okay i know that may sound highly cliche but its the absolute honest truth. The moment the nurse plopped her purple little body on my chest and her tiny little foot went all but up my nose - i was different. not to say that i wasnt different the moment i knew of her existence because i was but the moment of her debut was life altering. the past year has been far from simple but i wouldnt trade it for the universe. watching her grow and learn is amazing. watching her bond with others, watching her charm her way into anything, watching her roll over for the first time then crawl and then walk, watching her teeth slowly and painfully come through watching her react to new foods and new environments - it was and still is completely priceless. now back to the whole im different thing. my thoughts and my actions and not to mention my choices all revolve around her well being. ive learned so much because of her. ive learned to be bold enough to stand and do what needs to be done regardless of if i like it or hate it. ive grown up in big ways. ive transformed from a teenager to a mother and i absolutely love it. and now for the big one, well its big to me - she is my saving grace. i find it funny thats her middle name..well actually its not funny i think it was all in Gods plan. see i let my life plumit to a low i would have never found the courage to crawl out of if it hadnt been for my little girl. she gave me reason to be strong reason i wouldnt have found in myself. her smile made everyday worth it. she made every hard decision easier. i will never be able to explain how astonishing it is to me that when i sinned against God he blessed me with an amazing healthy beautiful baby girl. shes truley the best thing that has EVER happened to me. (aside from God sending his only son to die for me.) this year has definately been a rollercoaster and i have discovered who my true friends are and i have to say thanks to all of you. the ones that were there in the beginning and stuck through it all, the ones who were silently watching and praying, the ones who came at differnt times through the year but love us just like they have been there from day one - you all have a special place in my heart. my daughter means the world to me and to have friends and family who love her and i makes life worth living, it makes everyday worth pushing through. again - thank you all.

happy birthday desirae grace.
mommy loves you baby girl!
i cant wait to see what this next year holds for us.

Ugh.

at work today this man came in..just a normal customer..but he got me..bad..from the very moment he uttered one simple word. all the memories came flooding back.

he sounded just like drew.

i had to stop for a moment. had to ask him to repeat what he said i was so caught up in his voice the first time. his voice took me back to high school and the month a 2 weeks i dated drew.

honestly i dont get it. i dont know why losing drew gets to me so bad. we werent super close after we broke up.. we lived totally seperate lives and really in no way did our paths cross..well excpet for every morning he stood outside me first block class senior year talkin to his girl friend. i never spoke to him though.

i went to his grave the other day it helps to go and talk to him although it doesnt make sense of why i miss him like i do.

ok well i just needed to vent..

"the purpose of today is to have fun make memories and to not get hurt."