Thoughts

so im really not so great at blogging regularly. but im to a point i need to vent some more.
My life is far from easy but i have this huge pull on my heart to not hide my experiences. to share what i have been through. its like i have x-ray goggles and i can see the things happening in others relationships. i see the little things that led me to a place i never wanted to be. at times i just want to stand on a mountain top and scream because i know they dont want to be where im at. i now truly believe that what satan intends for evil God will most definately use for great things.

another thought..i am an extremally hopeful girl. which at times is great but other times..not so much. im not sure how many know a great deal of my story..but lately..my hopes are sky high and i know they shouldnt be..its like i take a step forward and a few back. i guess its a hard habit to break. but sadly my hopes are high.

one more thing.. my daughter is amazing..i just adore the fact that when im a mess..and feel yucky and just dont want to move forward in anything..she loves me..i can look funny..smell bad..be grumpy.. and through it all her love never changes. its like the love of God. and she reminds me of that everyday. oh the lessons i learn from my 3 month old.

ok so im not done yet..i miss my daddy..hes out of town for work and its the first time hes ever done something like this. its very weird. not quite sure what to do without him around.

ok now im done..
samantha lee

i love being a mother. my whole world, my entire reason to live is wrapped up in those 12 pounds. and i would not change that for the world.

just needed to get that one out there.

Sami

its hit me.

and its hit me hard.
i have lied to myself.
ive made things ok in my mind.
and ive done it for far to long.
i have to face the facts.
this is who you are.
and its who you plan to stay.

Ever been here?

has anyone ever been faced with making a decision or a choice that is the exact opposite of what you truly want to do, a choice that you know is right, but that doesnt really matter to you. its the hardest thing you have ever had to do. you struggle with it daily and quite often consider throwing in the towel. or perhaps in a place where everything reminds of the one thing you need to forget, every song, every object you see. maybe a state of mind where you rethink every decision. where you replay every word in your mind. where you hope and wish and pray for things to go back to what they were.

well that is where i am at. throwing in the towel has crossed my mind. i revisit those memories often. to return to the summer between my sophomore and junior year of highschool would be magical only if i didnt have to give up desirae.

i want every friend who has been encouraging lately to know that i love you all dearly you are all wonderful. i couldnt ask for better friends. but i ask that you bare with me. right now im at a place in life where i have to do the one thing i struggle most with and the one thing i never saw comming. your prayers and comments are definately welcome.

::samanthalee::

I am overwhelmed.
I just graduated with honors and a baby.
Major accomplishment.
I want to tell my story.
I want it to affect people who are where I was.
I feel like I lost my best guy friend ever. What hurts most is he doesn’t even seem to care.
I cant believe how many people are hypocrites.
I want to cry so bad..but can’t.
I want to run to him and hug him.
But I cant even speak to him.
I feel like turning around and undoing all that ive done. Even though its what God wants
And its whats best period.
I feel distant and left out of things.
My little girl is growing so fast.
I never listened when people said she would.
I hate that he misses so much
I feel bad for things I cant control.
I want to change things I cant.
I wonder if things will ever be anything close to what they were.
It feels like every dream I had has been crushed.
All because of my actions

I cant believe she has so much control. it hurts. she makes him do such stupid things.
People talk about how they miss the person I was a year ago.
They want me to go back to that.
And I cant.
People assume I should regret the things I did.
I know they were wrong
but with out them I wouldn’t have the one thing that means the world to me.
My life is far from easy.
I complain about it a lot.
But I would not trade it for anything.

comments are very welcome. and anyone who wants to talk im very open. i need people to confide it right now.

Sami