its what i do :)

i feel the need to spill my guts..
again..
*just a note- the 'yous' in most of this post won't read this..*

it feels phenomenal to have 'cut ties' with you..but truthfully in the farthest part of my mind i often wonder if you'll ever come around - will you ever realize what YOU have given up..
then i remember its YOU who gave it all up and the thought floats away again only to resurface later and repeat it grueling process..

some days are way harder than others without you here..we didn't keep in touch after we broke up and i hate it. i miss you..i wish i had talked to you and stayed close..id give anything to hangout with you just one more time..to see that smile again..but that's not possible on this side of eternity..

this is hard to write..but its whats weighing on me the most.
you of all people i met through high school would not have been first on the list to pick me up when i was so far down i couldn't do it on my own. don't get me wrong you were always an amazing friend, i just never thought you would be the one to come to our rescue. but you did and you haven't left our side. your ready and waiting to run in and save us. what hits me the hardest is that i know without a doubt you would give your life for my daughter. i cant even wrap my mind around it sometimes. all i know is i absolutely love it. i wouldn't trade our amazing friendship for anything. and just in case its not blatantly obvious in every way possible - I'm falling for you.

from the very moment i knew you were alive inside of me i knew i loved you. but when the nurse plopped your purple little body on my chest and your foot was staring me in my face i knew what love was. i knew that from that moment on my life was different, that everything i did or would eventually do involved you in the hugest of ways. now that the day you were born is quickly approaching i don't know what to do with all the emotions inside of me. watching you grow and learn amazes me. i'm pretty much in awe of who you are. i couldn't be more proud to say you are mine and i cant even imagine life without you. i love you baby girl.

what would i do without the 3 of you?? i would fail. i wouldn't be nearly as strong as i am, i wouldn't be the amazing mom you tell me i am. even tho i may act like i've got it all together i don't. i need you 3 more than anything. and i don't thank any of you enough. i want you all to know i love you dearly and i couldn't have picked a better family.

when i feel like everything i have to say is stupid or when i just need to babble you're there and i appreciate that. after a year or more of being stuck in my ways i learned who my true friends are and you are one of them. i want so much to boost you up and love on you in the way you've loved on me. to give you that little extra confidence in yourself. you are amazing keep your head up and keep shining - i'm behind you 110%.

you are by far more ignorant than i ever thought. stuck in your ways while the world passes you by while EVERYTHING you ever wanted slips farther and farther away. i cant help but ask - are you happy now?

i'm done..
for today.

just gotta get this off my chest...

for far too long i clung to a relationship that was..never meant to be. i thought that i could write this perfect love story when in reality i was writing a tragedy. a little birdie dropped by and whispered in my ear quite frequently to give up the pen..but being the stubborn girl i am i refused..i could make it all better..i could force things to work my way. well as most of you know..i was wrong.
i cant exactly pinpoint what it was that convinced me i was strong enough to stand on my own and give the pen back to its rightful owner..but i did..very reluctantly and quite honestly absolutely terrified. i was so sure that i was setting myself up for failure..that not one guy in the world would love me AND my daughter..that my package deal just wasn't gonna work. once again..i was wrong.
just when i least expected it someone absolutely amazing came strolling back into my life as if he had never been absent. truthfully it was a god send..i was terrified that not one guy would love my package deal - he does. no we aren't together..we aren't dating..but he loves us. i know without a doubt he would do anything for her and i and it flatters me more than anyone will truly understand..he makes me happy and he makes me smile. its been so long since the smile on my face was a true genuine smile and i must admit its liberating to smile and know that its because I'm so happy inside its flooding out my face!
the 'he' I'm referring to is my best friend..JJ..Justin..ive known him since my sophomore year of high school. hes amazing and wonderful and i love him to death. he will be a life long friend.
now i don't know where the next chapter of my love story is going but i know that the pen is safe and sound with its rightful owner once more and he has a story already planned that is bigger and better than i could ever imagine.

::samanthalee::

Growing Up

gettin ready to go home from the hospital..

playing in the carseat at home February 2009...
she doesnt ride in this one anymore..

in the bouncy seat April 2008

playing in the bouncy seat before it got taken apart to store better..
February 2009

I love my little girl..but sometimes i wish i could freeze her right where she is...

lately..

i smile soo much more.
i have spent more time with friends recently.
i honestly enjoy life more.
im takin life one day at a time.
im actually letting god take care of things..
ive discovered an amazing friend in someone i wouldnt have ever guessed to be this important to me.
im watching my little girl grow up in front of my very eyes.
she crawls like a pro..pulls up on anything she can reach..she sings and dances to anything resembling music..she take a few 'steps' if you hold her hands and guide her..ohh how the time is flying by.
i dont know what it is..but i like..well actually i love it.
and ive been told the happiness im feeling is plastered all over my face..
i couldnt deny this if i tried.

*samanthalee*

its been a while..

i havent actually blogged in quite some time now.
life is great right now.
i have finally embraced the truth that had been staring me in the face for a while. its not easy but im managing its part of growing up i suppose. im letting go of the things i can not change and truly letting God handle them. and let me tell you its tough. i want to play miss fix it and i want to make things the way i see them in my dreams. in letting go of the things i cant change i have found myself again. im happy im excited about life. dont get me wrong i wasnt depressed before i just wasnt myself. i have regained some confidence and did i mention im happy and that im smiling more? i found an old friend and i guess reunited..hes amazing. he loves me and my daughter and doesnt care what being with us may make others think. not to mention hes a soldier who soon could be sent to iraq. he was home for two weeks and i spent a lot of time with him but now hes gone again training in maryland and honestly i miss him terribly.(and hes only been gone for 5 days). so what else is new..well im lookin at getting an apartment with a great friend allyson and her daughter aubree. im ready to take that step and let myself grow up a little more. at the same time im nervous its gonna be a lot to handle. and not to mention it puts me some distance from my current job..which is gonna make life interesting. okay so now on to the good stuff right?! Desirae is dangerously close to 9 months old..try 9 days away..okay so everyone told me time would fly but i wasnt expecting it to go this fast. shes crawling like a pro..pullin up in the crib and between last night and this morning shes discovered the the couch and table are cool to pull up on to. i must let you know that she has not figured out getting down from the couch or table yet..so she will let you know she needs help..(ie. she screams til you help her.) the crib on the other hand..she has that mastered. she babbles like crazy..she acts like she knows what she talkin about. its hilarious. ill try and get it on video and then ill try to figure out how to get the video of the video camera and on the computer then on the blog..so dont hold your breath just yet. she is a big girl..we havent been to the doctor since september so im not sure on a weight but im guessin atleast 20 pounds. im saddened to report that her hair is not yet long enough to do cute girly things with..OH YEAH her ears have been peirced since sometime in october forgive im not positive exactly when. she also has two teeth on the bottom..those appeared in november near the beginning of the month and she is now diligently workin on a top one. shes a great little girl i love her more and more every minute of everyday. she is a smarty pants already and she pretty much has mommy wrapped around her little fingers.
well for now im done i promise ill try harder to keep this updated more often!
xoxoxo
sami