One Year.

so much happened in one year.
im not sure ill be able to put it all into words, but as always i will try.
a year ago today my daughter made her debut into this world.
and from the very moment i saw her my world was different. okay i know that may sound highly cliche but its the absolute honest truth. The moment the nurse plopped her purple little body on my chest and her tiny little foot went all but up my nose - i was different. not to say that i wasnt different the moment i knew of her existence because i was but the moment of her debut was life altering. the past year has been far from simple but i wouldnt trade it for the universe. watching her grow and learn is amazing. watching her bond with others, watching her charm her way into anything, watching her roll over for the first time then crawl and then walk, watching her teeth slowly and painfully come through watching her react to new foods and new environments - it was and still is completely priceless. now back to the whole im different thing. my thoughts and my actions and not to mention my choices all revolve around her well being. ive learned so much because of her. ive learned to be bold enough to stand and do what needs to be done regardless of if i like it or hate it. ive grown up in big ways. ive transformed from a teenager to a mother and i absolutely love it. and now for the big one, well its big to me - she is my saving grace. i find it funny thats her middle name..well actually its not funny i think it was all in Gods plan. see i let my life plumit to a low i would have never found the courage to crawl out of if it hadnt been for my little girl. she gave me reason to be strong reason i wouldnt have found in myself. her smile made everyday worth it. she made every hard decision easier. i will never be able to explain how astonishing it is to me that when i sinned against God he blessed me with an amazing healthy beautiful baby girl. shes truley the best thing that has EVER happened to me. (aside from God sending his only son to die for me.) this year has definately been a rollercoaster and i have discovered who my true friends are and i have to say thanks to all of you. the ones that were there in the beginning and stuck through it all, the ones who were silently watching and praying, the ones who came at differnt times through the year but love us just like they have been there from day one - you all have a special place in my heart. my daughter means the world to me and to have friends and family who love her and i makes life worth living, it makes everyday worth pushing through. again - thank you all.

happy birthday desirae grace.
mommy loves you baby girl!
i cant wait to see what this next year holds for us.

Ugh.

at work today this man came in..just a normal customer..but he got me..bad..from the very moment he uttered one simple word. all the memories came flooding back.

he sounded just like drew.

i had to stop for a moment. had to ask him to repeat what he said i was so caught up in his voice the first time. his voice took me back to high school and the month a 2 weeks i dated drew.

honestly i dont get it. i dont know why losing drew gets to me so bad. we werent super close after we broke up.. we lived totally seperate lives and really in no way did our paths cross..well excpet for every morning he stood outside me first block class senior year talkin to his girl friend. i never spoke to him though.

i went to his grave the other day it helps to go and talk to him although it doesnt make sense of why i miss him like i do.

ok well i just needed to vent..

"the purpose of today is to have fun make memories and to not get hurt."

its what i do :)

i feel the need to spill my guts..
again..
*just a note- the 'yous' in most of this post won't read this..*

it feels phenomenal to have 'cut ties' with you..but truthfully in the farthest part of my mind i often wonder if you'll ever come around - will you ever realize what YOU have given up..
then i remember its YOU who gave it all up and the thought floats away again only to resurface later and repeat it grueling process..

some days are way harder than others without you here..we didn't keep in touch after we broke up and i hate it. i miss you..i wish i had talked to you and stayed close..id give anything to hangout with you just one more time..to see that smile again..but that's not possible on this side of eternity..

this is hard to write..but its whats weighing on me the most.
you of all people i met through high school would not have been first on the list to pick me up when i was so far down i couldn't do it on my own. don't get me wrong you were always an amazing friend, i just never thought you would be the one to come to our rescue. but you did and you haven't left our side. your ready and waiting to run in and save us. what hits me the hardest is that i know without a doubt you would give your life for my daughter. i cant even wrap my mind around it sometimes. all i know is i absolutely love it. i wouldn't trade our amazing friendship for anything. and just in case its not blatantly obvious in every way possible - I'm falling for you.

from the very moment i knew you were alive inside of me i knew i loved you. but when the nurse plopped your purple little body on my chest and your foot was staring me in my face i knew what love was. i knew that from that moment on my life was different, that everything i did or would eventually do involved you in the hugest of ways. now that the day you were born is quickly approaching i don't know what to do with all the emotions inside of me. watching you grow and learn amazes me. i'm pretty much in awe of who you are. i couldn't be more proud to say you are mine and i cant even imagine life without you. i love you baby girl.

what would i do without the 3 of you?? i would fail. i wouldn't be nearly as strong as i am, i wouldn't be the amazing mom you tell me i am. even tho i may act like i've got it all together i don't. i need you 3 more than anything. and i don't thank any of you enough. i want you all to know i love you dearly and i couldn't have picked a better family.

when i feel like everything i have to say is stupid or when i just need to babble you're there and i appreciate that. after a year or more of being stuck in my ways i learned who my true friends are and you are one of them. i want so much to boost you up and love on you in the way you've loved on me. to give you that little extra confidence in yourself. you are amazing keep your head up and keep shining - i'm behind you 110%.

you are by far more ignorant than i ever thought. stuck in your ways while the world passes you by while EVERYTHING you ever wanted slips farther and farther away. i cant help but ask - are you happy now?

i'm done..
for today.

just gotta get this off my chest...

for far too long i clung to a relationship that was..never meant to be. i thought that i could write this perfect love story when in reality i was writing a tragedy. a little birdie dropped by and whispered in my ear quite frequently to give up the pen..but being the stubborn girl i am i refused..i could make it all better..i could force things to work my way. well as most of you know..i was wrong.
i cant exactly pinpoint what it was that convinced me i was strong enough to stand on my own and give the pen back to its rightful owner..but i did..very reluctantly and quite honestly absolutely terrified. i was so sure that i was setting myself up for failure..that not one guy in the world would love me AND my daughter..that my package deal just wasn't gonna work. once again..i was wrong.
just when i least expected it someone absolutely amazing came strolling back into my life as if he had never been absent. truthfully it was a god send..i was terrified that not one guy would love my package deal - he does. no we aren't together..we aren't dating..but he loves us. i know without a doubt he would do anything for her and i and it flatters me more than anyone will truly understand..he makes me happy and he makes me smile. its been so long since the smile on my face was a true genuine smile and i must admit its liberating to smile and know that its because I'm so happy inside its flooding out my face!
the 'he' I'm referring to is my best friend..JJ..Justin..ive known him since my sophomore year of high school. hes amazing and wonderful and i love him to death. he will be a life long friend.
now i don't know where the next chapter of my love story is going but i know that the pen is safe and sound with its rightful owner once more and he has a story already planned that is bigger and better than i could ever imagine.

::samanthalee::

Growing Up

gettin ready to go home from the hospital..

playing in the carseat at home February 2009...
she doesnt ride in this one anymore..

in the bouncy seat April 2008

playing in the bouncy seat before it got taken apart to store better..
February 2009

I love my little girl..but sometimes i wish i could freeze her right where she is...