Ready Set Spill Your Guts

i wish i could just pour everything running thrugh my brain out..
without having to explain a thing..
this is my blog so technically i could..
however im not sure of the reaction ill get..
but i wont know unless i go for it..
so here i go...

i cant believe i graduate in less than a month
my little brother is startin high school next year(WhAt?!)
Desirae is already a month..where the time go
i dont wanna grow up..but i already have..
i dont want my friends to all go off to college and me stay here..
my heart hurts..i will be the only on of my close friends left in joco.."/
i cant believe shes a month and only seen her father once..
court is not a fun experience..but it makes you stronger.
i like the conclusion the lawyers came to. now she will know her dad..
even if we cant associate for a year.
i hate the baby weight i have left (i know im not fat..but its gross and flabby..YUCK!!)
once again...im getting ready to graduate..this day you anticipate from kindergarden is fastly approaching...its a scary thought..
im thankful some of my closest friend are still here and living.
my senior project is DONE!!
i have 5 more real days of highschool...of school period.
i hate spending ridiculous amounts of money on things..especially when you cant make it through the day without this item..
its very weird to be at home but have my daughter not be here..
i hope things are going well for their first visit together..
im very antsy..dont think i spelled that right.
i miss the way things used to be..but i know its working this way becasue God wants it to..but its hard to swallow.

I feel a lot better..some of the things i dumped out may make absolutely no sense if you want you can aske questions and i will elaborate. If you have a million things going on..this is very helpful... even if noone reads it its off my chest.

Love to all of you..

::samanthalee::

Emotions..

ive wanted to update for some time now but really havent know exactly what to say. right now i have a lot of emotions going through me and its my nature to hold them in and await the moment i absolutley fall to pieces. i havent hit that point yet but some of the emotions have faded so i may not come to the water works this time. i really am amazed at how the past month of my life as seemingly just fallen into place. i feel so comfortable as a mom. but ive learned its not all sunshine and roses. there are hard times, times i feel as though i cant make it, that im incapable. and in my hear t i know that all that is untrue but satan grabs hold and i lose sight momentarily. i dont want to give details but today i truly for the first time in my life saw gods had move over a situation, and had small parts of my prayers answered and that truly wiped away some of my sad feelings. i dont want anyone to think that im super depressed..im not i just get emotional here and there but today is different, today is a happy day and my prayer is that things stay moving in the direction they are. i also want to let the people who pray for me know i couldnt appreciate it more.

precious kisses and mothers day dedication

Sami

Being a Mother

so this may sound cliche but you never truly understand nor respect the love of your parents until you are a parent yourself. all through life i know my mom and dad loved me but since Desirae's arrival its been so more visible to me. Being a mother is the best feeling i have ever felt. to know that this little girl came from inside of me that God created her every little part of her inside of ME. to love something so much you dont know what to do with yourself, to hold someone so small in your arms and know that they rely on you for everything is just simply amazing. although i went about things in an unGodly manner God still blessed me. that is what amazes me most. not only does God love me but even when i disobey him i am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. there are parts of my life that still arent beautiful that still hurt at times. but this part is truly a blessing i wouldnt trade for the world.

in awe of how God works...

Sami

Ahhhh!

so its spring break and i should be relaxing and having a great break from the regular..should be being the key phrase..i am having somewhat the opposite of times.
my mind is fried. theres 300 thousand things racing through it at any point in the day. some things being things i should just let go and not bother thinking about..others have reason to be racing through my mind.. and some are just random. its drinving me crazy though. i was hoping for a peaceful break but i keep letting myself and life interfere. i hold onto things i would be better off giving to god. but me being me i give it then take it right back. im frustrated with quite a lot.
i just need peace. and to be willing to accept the peace and not try and mess it up.

My Mommy

if you are reading this blog I'm pretty much assuming you know my mom, if not you should get to know her she pretty amazing. No she hasn't done anything spectacular in life you can basically classify her as average ..which I am perfectly A-OKAY with..shes fabulous to me. I love just talking to her about life. She has so much to say and she would never give herself credit for being a good listener or person to talk to but she truly is. I can go to her with things and know I'm going to get a sincere response. I guess I never realized just how great our relationship was until I've been faced with my recent challenges of young motherhood and the drama I've gotten along with that. I can go to her bawling my eyes out feeling like I make no sense and she gets it. I thank God for the mother he gave me, I pray my daughter and I have the kind of relationship my mommy and I do.