right now im depressed. i feel like i live on the verge of tears.
but honestly i couldnt even give you a real solid reason why.
im mad. im upset. im lost. im confused. im over some things. but still stuck on others.
i want to scream i want to cry i want to punch kick and throw a tantrum i want to run and hide.
im always beating myself up for what others tell me isnt my fault but im not totally sure i agree.
i dont live my life with regrets but right now im so mad at some of the ridiculous choices i made.
im sure that this is making no sense at all. but ill continue anyways.
im absolutely madly in love with my daughter words cant even describe the love that i have for her. but being 100% honest i still feel like im robbing her of a 'normal' childhood. i mean seriously every little girl needs a daddy and well right now theres not one of those in sight. i mean i know shes doing great shes smart and cute and wonderful but still i pray that my mistakes dont make her life awful.
im a mess. i hate my job. i just quit even attempting college courses. i havent even made much effort towards getting into a community college. i second guess myself more times than i can count i over analyze pretty much everything.
i just want a break. i just want to escape and get away. to go somewhere and pretend for a day that i didnt make some pretty dumb choices that are still driving me up a wall. i want to get away and pretend that it doesnt all still get under my skin and irritate me to no end.
i wanna be happy. like truly deeply seriously happy.
and for now im done.
i got enough out to make it easy to breathe again.
and im pretty sure ill be back soon..
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
because i know they wont read this...
lately i find myself a ball of somewhat hidden emotion. by somewhat i mean that im pretty sure someone close to me can pick up on them but just doesnt say anything. which is ok. but right now i need to get it all out again. this seems to be the only purpose for this blog but hey its mine right?? ok so here i go again.
i am angry. i am fed up. and i am tired of it all. im done not using names because as this is titled i know they wont read this. william and his family make me so mad. not a single one of them called or sent even an email or anything regarding desiraes birthday but they expect me to believe they care for her so much. her delinquent of a father just got out of jail and claimed he wanted to see her and i wouldnt let him because i didnt trust the changes made would stick. my instincts were right couple days later a buddy of his calls askin questions about where he is in FL sayin he stole their cash..once a cheater.liar.stealer..always a cheater.liar.stealer. im tired of them wanting to see pictures and saying how much they love her when they dont even attempt in any form or fashion to show that love. so im done making effort im done extending my hand done opening doors. its all up to them. at times i feel like i want to confront will and make sure its painfully obvious to him what he has given up..i want to yell and scream and beat the crap out of him..but that wont happen because its pointless itll just waste my time. but i still want to. i want him to look at her and i and see what could have been his what could have been being the key words there. i guess my biggest thing is not understanding how she can mean absolutely everything to me but she maybe crosses his mind a couple times an day and shes just a possession to him. i just do not understand it.
im ready to find "mr. right" im ready to find the man that wants to love her and i forever that wants to be called daddy and do all the things daddies do. i feel like shes missing out an so much because she doesnt have a daddy. most kids figure out the dada sound first or at least close to first- Desirae didnt say it til she was 11 months old..just becasue she never hears it. and now that she says it its just a random noise its not connected to anything. i dont want to rush God or rush into a relationship all on my own again. i just hate so much that Desirae isnt growing up with a mommy and daddy.
this is not the only thing thats bothering me lately but i dont think im gonna write about those.
samanthalee
i am angry. i am fed up. and i am tired of it all. im done not using names because as this is titled i know they wont read this. william and his family make me so mad. not a single one of them called or sent even an email or anything regarding desiraes birthday but they expect me to believe they care for her so much. her delinquent of a father just got out of jail and claimed he wanted to see her and i wouldnt let him because i didnt trust the changes made would stick. my instincts were right couple days later a buddy of his calls askin questions about where he is in FL sayin he stole their cash..once a cheater.liar.stealer..always a cheater.liar.stealer. im tired of them wanting to see pictures and saying how much they love her when they dont even attempt in any form or fashion to show that love. so im done making effort im done extending my hand done opening doors. its all up to them. at times i feel like i want to confront will and make sure its painfully obvious to him what he has given up..i want to yell and scream and beat the crap out of him..but that wont happen because its pointless itll just waste my time. but i still want to. i want him to look at her and i and see what could have been his what could have been being the key words there. i guess my biggest thing is not understanding how she can mean absolutely everything to me but she maybe crosses his mind a couple times an day and shes just a possession to him. i just do not understand it.
im ready to find "mr. right" im ready to find the man that wants to love her and i forever that wants to be called daddy and do all the things daddies do. i feel like shes missing out an so much because she doesnt have a daddy. most kids figure out the dada sound first or at least close to first- Desirae didnt say it til she was 11 months old..just becasue she never hears it. and now that she says it its just a random noise its not connected to anything. i dont want to rush God or rush into a relationship all on my own again. i just hate so much that Desirae isnt growing up with a mommy and daddy.
this is not the only thing thats bothering me lately but i dont think im gonna write about those.
samanthalee
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