A Soldier's Silent Night

i heard this on the way home from church today. it brought me to tears. we all need to remember our troops this time of year. they DO fight for our freedom..some may not get to see their family because they are fighting for our country. so please take some time to remember them.

Time

i want to spread my wings..
like a baby bird..
i feel ready to leave my nest..
there is no guarantee that ill fly..
i could fall fast and hard to the ground..
and im not blind to that..
but nevertheless i feel like its time.
time to give life a chance.

sorry.

i feel like screaming.
everyone wants answers. they want to know why i feel like i do.
plain and simple i dont have a reason.
i dont know what to say.
this is my life to live. and its not an easy life. and thats by my own doing.
i dont blame anyone. but seriously no one really knows what im going through.
it drives me crazy that i get the sympathetic "i know how you feel"..really do you?
do you know what its like to be in love with someone everyone thinks you should just let go of? do you know what its like to be a single mother who works full time and attends college full time? do you know what its like to want so much more for your life and not know how to get it because no one thinks its best for you? i mean i love everyone whos trying so hard to help..but its hard. ive brought myself to a place no one im close to has ever been. i cant explain how i feel. and sometimes i really dont want to. im just trying to live my life the way that feels right.
so im sorry i cant answer all the questions. im sorry for not being just the way everyone wants me to be.
this is me. i feel how i feel. i dont have reasons.
im sorry.

WoW.

so im slowly learning that god answers questions in mysterious ways.
this quote was in an email..an email id normally delete. today i thought hey why not read it. so i did and with my current situation..being stuck in the middle..this spoke volumes to me.

"the key to courage is to let go of the fear"

Stuck in the Middle.

have you ever wanted something so bad. everything in you says go for it. but you are terrified to actually get what you want.

well that is where im at. my heart says yes. my brain says yes. but im scared. scared to fail. scared my instinct may be wrong. then i think about how ill never know if i dont try. i really really feel like im stuck in the middle. being pulled both ways.

do i follow my heart my head and my instinct or let my fear hold me back?

music gets me.

Too Much

this is where i am..
ever been here..

my brain is mush..
too much running through it
too many thoughts
too many emotions
my heart hurts.
i feel like at any moment
niagra falls could relocate to my face!

i always feel like im whining on my blog.
feel free to ignore it..

samanthalee

Thoughts

so im really not so great at blogging regularly. but im to a point i need to vent some more.
My life is far from easy but i have this huge pull on my heart to not hide my experiences. to share what i have been through. its like i have x-ray goggles and i can see the things happening in others relationships. i see the little things that led me to a place i never wanted to be. at times i just want to stand on a mountain top and scream because i know they dont want to be where im at. i now truly believe that what satan intends for evil God will most definately use for great things.

another thought..i am an extremally hopeful girl. which at times is great but other times..not so much. im not sure how many know a great deal of my story..but lately..my hopes are sky high and i know they shouldnt be..its like i take a step forward and a few back. i guess its a hard habit to break. but sadly my hopes are high.

one more thing.. my daughter is amazing..i just adore the fact that when im a mess..and feel yucky and just dont want to move forward in anything..she loves me..i can look funny..smell bad..be grumpy.. and through it all her love never changes. its like the love of God. and she reminds me of that everyday. oh the lessons i learn from my 3 month old.

ok so im not done yet..i miss my daddy..hes out of town for work and its the first time hes ever done something like this. its very weird. not quite sure what to do without him around.

ok now im done..
samantha lee

i love being a mother. my whole world, my entire reason to live is wrapped up in those 12 pounds. and i would not change that for the world.

just needed to get that one out there.

Sami

its hit me.

and its hit me hard.
i have lied to myself.
ive made things ok in my mind.
and ive done it for far to long.
i have to face the facts.
this is who you are.
and its who you plan to stay.

Ever been here?

has anyone ever been faced with making a decision or a choice that is the exact opposite of what you truly want to do, a choice that you know is right, but that doesnt really matter to you. its the hardest thing you have ever had to do. you struggle with it daily and quite often consider throwing in the towel. or perhaps in a place where everything reminds of the one thing you need to forget, every song, every object you see. maybe a state of mind where you rethink every decision. where you replay every word in your mind. where you hope and wish and pray for things to go back to what they were.

well that is where i am at. throwing in the towel has crossed my mind. i revisit those memories often. to return to the summer between my sophomore and junior year of highschool would be magical only if i didnt have to give up desirae.

i want every friend who has been encouraging lately to know that i love you all dearly you are all wonderful. i couldnt ask for better friends. but i ask that you bare with me. right now im at a place in life where i have to do the one thing i struggle most with and the one thing i never saw comming. your prayers and comments are definately welcome.

::samanthalee::

I am overwhelmed.
I just graduated with honors and a baby.
Major accomplishment.
I want to tell my story.
I want it to affect people who are where I was.
I feel like I lost my best guy friend ever. What hurts most is he doesn’t even seem to care.
I cant believe how many people are hypocrites.
I want to cry so bad..but can’t.
I want to run to him and hug him.
But I cant even speak to him.
I feel like turning around and undoing all that ive done. Even though its what God wants
And its whats best period.
I feel distant and left out of things.
My little girl is growing so fast.
I never listened when people said she would.
I hate that he misses so much
I feel bad for things I cant control.
I want to change things I cant.
I wonder if things will ever be anything close to what they were.
It feels like every dream I had has been crushed.
All because of my actions

I cant believe she has so much control. it hurts. she makes him do such stupid things.
People talk about how they miss the person I was a year ago.
They want me to go back to that.
And I cant.
People assume I should regret the things I did.
I know they were wrong
but with out them I wouldn’t have the one thing that means the world to me.
My life is far from easy.
I complain about it a lot.
But I would not trade it for anything.

comments are very welcome. and anyone who wants to talk im very open. i need people to confide it right now.

Sami

Ready Set Spill Your Guts

i wish i could just pour everything running thrugh my brain out..
without having to explain a thing..
this is my blog so technically i could..
however im not sure of the reaction ill get..
but i wont know unless i go for it..
so here i go...

i cant believe i graduate in less than a month
my little brother is startin high school next year(WhAt?!)
Desirae is already a month..where the time go
i dont wanna grow up..but i already have..
i dont want my friends to all go off to college and me stay here..
my heart hurts..i will be the only on of my close friends left in joco.."/
i cant believe shes a month and only seen her father once..
court is not a fun experience..but it makes you stronger.
i like the conclusion the lawyers came to. now she will know her dad..
even if we cant associate for a year.
i hate the baby weight i have left (i know im not fat..but its gross and flabby..YUCK!!)
once again...im getting ready to graduate..this day you anticipate from kindergarden is fastly approaching...its a scary thought..
im thankful some of my closest friend are still here and living.
my senior project is DONE!!
i have 5 more real days of highschool...of school period.
i hate spending ridiculous amounts of money on things..especially when you cant make it through the day without this item..
its very weird to be at home but have my daughter not be here..
i hope things are going well for their first visit together..
im very antsy..dont think i spelled that right.
i miss the way things used to be..but i know its working this way becasue God wants it to..but its hard to swallow.

I feel a lot better..some of the things i dumped out may make absolutely no sense if you want you can aske questions and i will elaborate. If you have a million things going on..this is very helpful... even if noone reads it its off my chest.

Love to all of you..

::samanthalee::

Emotions..

ive wanted to update for some time now but really havent know exactly what to say. right now i have a lot of emotions going through me and its my nature to hold them in and await the moment i absolutley fall to pieces. i havent hit that point yet but some of the emotions have faded so i may not come to the water works this time. i really am amazed at how the past month of my life as seemingly just fallen into place. i feel so comfortable as a mom. but ive learned its not all sunshine and roses. there are hard times, times i feel as though i cant make it, that im incapable. and in my hear t i know that all that is untrue but satan grabs hold and i lose sight momentarily. i dont want to give details but today i truly for the first time in my life saw gods had move over a situation, and had small parts of my prayers answered and that truly wiped away some of my sad feelings. i dont want anyone to think that im super depressed..im not i just get emotional here and there but today is different, today is a happy day and my prayer is that things stay moving in the direction they are. i also want to let the people who pray for me know i couldnt appreciate it more.

precious kisses and mothers day dedication

Sami

Being a Mother

so this may sound cliche but you never truly understand nor respect the love of your parents until you are a parent yourself. all through life i know my mom and dad loved me but since Desirae's arrival its been so more visible to me. Being a mother is the best feeling i have ever felt. to know that this little girl came from inside of me that God created her every little part of her inside of ME. to love something so much you dont know what to do with yourself, to hold someone so small in your arms and know that they rely on you for everything is just simply amazing. although i went about things in an unGodly manner God still blessed me. that is what amazes me most. not only does God love me but even when i disobey him i am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. there are parts of my life that still arent beautiful that still hurt at times. but this part is truly a blessing i wouldnt trade for the world.

in awe of how God works...

Sami

Ahhhh!

so its spring break and i should be relaxing and having a great break from the regular..should be being the key phrase..i am having somewhat the opposite of times.
my mind is fried. theres 300 thousand things racing through it at any point in the day. some things being things i should just let go and not bother thinking about..others have reason to be racing through my mind.. and some are just random. its drinving me crazy though. i was hoping for a peaceful break but i keep letting myself and life interfere. i hold onto things i would be better off giving to god. but me being me i give it then take it right back. im frustrated with quite a lot.
i just need peace. and to be willing to accept the peace and not try and mess it up.

My Mommy

if you are reading this blog I'm pretty much assuming you know my mom, if not you should get to know her she pretty amazing. No she hasn't done anything spectacular in life you can basically classify her as average ..which I am perfectly A-OKAY with..shes fabulous to me. I love just talking to her about life. She has so much to say and she would never give herself credit for being a good listener or person to talk to but she truly is. I can go to her with things and know I'm going to get a sincere response. I guess I never realized just how great our relationship was until I've been faced with my recent challenges of young motherhood and the drama I've gotten along with that. I can go to her bawling my eyes out feeling like I make no sense and she gets it. I thank God for the mother he gave me, I pray my daughter and I have the kind of relationship my mommy and I do.

School

and the one class i have is driving me insane...my teacher basically doesn't teach, atleast not to level i learn on. He cannot stay on topic to save his life and i dont mean just a little off topic i mean like crazy off topic. For me this makes learning anything very hard. This class is the one class i need to graduate my last chance to get my GPA just a little bit higher and i sit lost for an hour and a half. He asks if we have questions but tells students they should already know that and wont answer. there is no possible way i could get a different teacher so im stuck. so i need so major help from God to even get through englsh.
frustrated with school but loving life...

Sami

A blog of my very own!

i decided to join the word of blogging..as some of you may know my mom created the wee one blog that is about the baby but this blog will be more updated by myself and wont be 100% baby focused..but dont worry my madre will still update the wee one..=] as for right now i dont know what to post so until later...
Sami