i feel like screaming.
everyone wants answers. they want to know why i feel like i do.
plain and simple i dont have a reason.
i dont know what to say.
this is my life to live. and its not an easy life. and thats by my own doing.
i dont blame anyone. but seriously no one really knows what im going through.
it drives me crazy that i get the sympathetic "i know how you feel"..really do you?
do you know what its like to be in love with someone everyone thinks you should just let go of? do you know what its like to be a single mother who works full time and attends college full time? do you know what its like to want so much more for your life and not know how to get it because no one thinks its best for you? i mean i love everyone whos trying so hard to help..but its hard. ive brought myself to a place no one im close to has ever been. i cant explain how i feel. and sometimes i really dont want to. im just trying to live my life the way that feels right.
so im sorry i cant answer all the questions. im sorry for not being just the way everyone wants me to be.
this is me. i feel how i feel. i dont have reasons.
im sorry.
About Me
- SamanthaLee
- im samantha..im 18..im a daughter, an older sister to one and a mother to one. i never knew what love was until i met my daughter. my life is definately not easy but its mine and im thankful for it. God is my rock and he has never left my side even though im stubborn and ignore him. my philosophy on life..LIVE.LAUGH.LOVE.
4 comments:
You put it out ther so I am going to respond.. Yes, I really do know where you are and how it feels! I was a single mother, raising 2 girls, working full time and going to school full time...afraid to be alone with the girls; to go back to a failed relationship, wanting so much for it to work, and knowing that I had to try because it was what my "heart wanted", it was what I wanted! All those around me were more objective but I rationalized all of it away. It was my life right? RIGHT!!
So, back to the relationship, back to the father of my children so he could be a father, take responisbility for his family.......Well, hindsight is perfect, because for all of the pain and heartaches, it did not work. In the end, we parted, the girls (your mom and aunt) suffered most, brought up in a dysfunctional family learning all of the traits that allowed them to continue this unhealthy lifestyle of unhealthy choices.
You my dear, are in this same dysfunctional cycle but you do not have to be stuck.
Sami, you love Will, you don't want to give him up, you think there is a good side to him and You are right. The problem is that you know in your heart of hearts, at this point in Will's life, he is immature and not "willing" to be responsible. The negatives of this outweigh the positives. Does he have a job yet, does he make enough to support you and Desirae Grace. Has he made the decision to get clean and sober? Is he working a recovery program? Is he willing to put the needs of Desirae Grace before his own wants, like staying home and sober?
Look at our family history Sami, your decisions are no different than ours. However, in today's world, you do have support - a mother, father, brother and grandparents that are here to help. And, I want to point out, that your family does help. Mom, stays at home to take care of Desirae, gets up with her at 5:30 am. She watches her and listens for her while you study and do classes. Your brother and father spend time with her. Mom does bottles, laundry, take care of the home, etc. You have allot of help!
You see we do know! We have gone thru more than you know.. and our experience can provide you with insight that can lessen your burden and make life easier. So, maybe you should take down that wall, stop defending decisions that you rationalize are right because we can't know. Do what your brain says is right for you and Desirae. Forget the emotions, they take us down the wrong path every time.
Over the last few months, you made some statements about raising your daughter in a loving drug free environment. That is a grown-up decision; to do what is right for your daughter; to provide her with with the best. Is it hard....yep! But, while you are gone, do two things for yourself. (1) make a list of everything you would want in a family relationship you feel would be nuturing. Hand that list over to God and pray that he bless you with it. Then do what your brain and God says to do and he will take care of the rest. If God has a life planned for you and Desirae with Will, then get out of the way, go home and take care of Desirae and let God work on Will. If it is not in God's plan then he will provide you with all of the wmotinal support you will need and the person he has in mind for you will be beyond your dreams.
(2) Make a gratitude list of all of the blessings in your life, renew this list every day. Be thankful for Desirae, your mom, your dad and your brother and everyone else who truly loves you regardless of your decisions. I Love you Sami, all you need to do is ask any of us to help. You know we always will be there. Nana
my comment is to nana, this is a very moving comment you have made to sammi. an i do not think anyone could have said it any better, than you did. you are so right we do know we have all gone through lifes ups and downs. now to sam, you need to really listen to what your nana has said to you. you do have the love and support from your mom and dad. an i know you must think they are ganging up on you. but know that they love you dearly and do not want to see you hurt.an most of all you have to think of desi,she is the one in the end who will suffer the most. she has to be #1 in your life and i know she is. i love you dearly. an do not want to sound as if i am taking your parents side. because i am not. i am taking your side and desi`s side. we all just want the best for you. really be sure this is what you want for your life and desi`s life.. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART> i do realize we have been abpart for many years, an you really do not know me. but know that i think about you all the time.. an do wish we could be closer. your aunt diane...
peytonSami, mom just called and said you decided to stay in Florida with Will and his family. I am hoping that you mean until the storms pass and not a permanent move. I know you don't want to talk with anyone who has a different view than you but........call me. I love and I am here for you regardless of your decisions. Things are going to get allot rougher and Papa and I are here to help. Love Nana
Hey Sami,
I hear your frustration. Please take time to really think about what you are saying. First of all, I have been where you are. When I left my ex husband the first time and started to better my life I thought I was still in love with him. When I decided to go back to him, everyone told me not to, but I felt the same way you are feeling at the moment. So, I didn't listen and went back into a bad situation. Now think about this, you say you don't know why you feel this way, but God gives you a sound mind if going to live with Will is truly God's plan, you will know with certainty it is the right thing to do. You also say that you want to do what "feels right", but Sami you are a Christian and you can't rely on feelings. You have to rely on God. Your Nana is so right in what she says, the people who really suffer when situations like these go bad are the kids. Kevin's sister has chosen time and again to remain with her husband, who is very similar to Will. Her kids have suffered tremendously, and she was even pulled into drug use after the first few years of their marriage. Please take time to pray, think of your future, and think of Desirea. Remember, you have said how the students would be more likely to listen to you because you are closer to their age. I know I am a little older than you ,but not too much. Please listen and consider. You know I love you, and if you decide to go I would love to see you before you go.
Tammy
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