Ever been here?

has anyone ever been faced with making a decision or a choice that is the exact opposite of what you truly want to do, a choice that you know is right, but that doesnt really matter to you. its the hardest thing you have ever had to do. you struggle with it daily and quite often consider throwing in the towel. or perhaps in a place where everything reminds of the one thing you need to forget, every song, every object you see. maybe a state of mind where you rethink every decision. where you replay every word in your mind. where you hope and wish and pray for things to go back to what they were.

well that is where i am at. throwing in the towel has crossed my mind. i revisit those memories often. to return to the summer between my sophomore and junior year of highschool would be magical only if i didnt have to give up desirae.

i want every friend who has been encouraging lately to know that i love you all dearly you are all wonderful. i couldnt ask for better friends. but i ask that you bare with me. right now im at a place in life where i have to do the one thing i struggle most with and the one thing i never saw comming. your prayers and comments are definately welcome.

::samanthalee::

I am overwhelmed.
I just graduated with honors and a baby.
Major accomplishment.
I want to tell my story.
I want it to affect people who are where I was.
I feel like I lost my best guy friend ever. What hurts most is he doesn’t even seem to care.
I cant believe how many people are hypocrites.
I want to cry so bad..but can’t.
I want to run to him and hug him.
But I cant even speak to him.
I feel like turning around and undoing all that ive done. Even though its what God wants
And its whats best period.
I feel distant and left out of things.
My little girl is growing so fast.
I never listened when people said she would.
I hate that he misses so much
I feel bad for things I cant control.
I want to change things I cant.
I wonder if things will ever be anything close to what they were.
It feels like every dream I had has been crushed.
All because of my actions

I cant believe she has so much control. it hurts. she makes him do such stupid things.
People talk about how they miss the person I was a year ago.
They want me to go back to that.
And I cant.
People assume I should regret the things I did.
I know they were wrong
but with out them I wouldn’t have the one thing that means the world to me.
My life is far from easy.
I complain about it a lot.
But I would not trade it for anything.

comments are very welcome. and anyone who wants to talk im very open. i need people to confide it right now.

Sami

Ready Set Spill Your Guts

i wish i could just pour everything running thrugh my brain out..
without having to explain a thing..
this is my blog so technically i could..
however im not sure of the reaction ill get..
but i wont know unless i go for it..
so here i go...

i cant believe i graduate in less than a month
my little brother is startin high school next year(WhAt?!)
Desirae is already a month..where the time go
i dont wanna grow up..but i already have..
i dont want my friends to all go off to college and me stay here..
my heart hurts..i will be the only on of my close friends left in joco.."/
i cant believe shes a month and only seen her father once..
court is not a fun experience..but it makes you stronger.
i like the conclusion the lawyers came to. now she will know her dad..
even if we cant associate for a year.
i hate the baby weight i have left (i know im not fat..but its gross and flabby..YUCK!!)
once again...im getting ready to graduate..this day you anticipate from kindergarden is fastly approaching...its a scary thought..
im thankful some of my closest friend are still here and living.
my senior project is DONE!!
i have 5 more real days of highschool...of school period.
i hate spending ridiculous amounts of money on things..especially when you cant make it through the day without this item..
its very weird to be at home but have my daughter not be here..
i hope things are going well for their first visit together..
im very antsy..dont think i spelled that right.
i miss the way things used to be..but i know its working this way becasue God wants it to..but its hard to swallow.

I feel a lot better..some of the things i dumped out may make absolutely no sense if you want you can aske questions and i will elaborate. If you have a million things going on..this is very helpful... even if noone reads it its off my chest.

Love to all of you..

::samanthalee::

Emotions..

ive wanted to update for some time now but really havent know exactly what to say. right now i have a lot of emotions going through me and its my nature to hold them in and await the moment i absolutley fall to pieces. i havent hit that point yet but some of the emotions have faded so i may not come to the water works this time. i really am amazed at how the past month of my life as seemingly just fallen into place. i feel so comfortable as a mom. but ive learned its not all sunshine and roses. there are hard times, times i feel as though i cant make it, that im incapable. and in my hear t i know that all that is untrue but satan grabs hold and i lose sight momentarily. i dont want to give details but today i truly for the first time in my life saw gods had move over a situation, and had small parts of my prayers answered and that truly wiped away some of my sad feelings. i dont want anyone to think that im super depressed..im not i just get emotional here and there but today is different, today is a happy day and my prayer is that things stay moving in the direction they are. i also want to let the people who pray for me know i couldnt appreciate it more.

precious kisses and mothers day dedication

Sami

Being a Mother

so this may sound cliche but you never truly understand nor respect the love of your parents until you are a parent yourself. all through life i know my mom and dad loved me but since Desirae's arrival its been so more visible to me. Being a mother is the best feeling i have ever felt. to know that this little girl came from inside of me that God created her every little part of her inside of ME. to love something so much you dont know what to do with yourself, to hold someone so small in your arms and know that they rely on you for everything is just simply amazing. although i went about things in an unGodly manner God still blessed me. that is what amazes me most. not only does God love me but even when i disobey him i am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. there are parts of my life that still arent beautiful that still hurt at times. but this part is truly a blessing i wouldnt trade for the world.

in awe of how God works...

Sami